Less TV

Dear friend,
I used to watch a lot of TV in the evenings and during the day. As I have become more creative particularly with my artists journals I am watching TV less. I don't put music on either. I love the peace and quiet and communing and chatting to God while I do my art and go about my life.
Do you do much creatively? Do you watch a lot of TV? Do you enjoy silence? Do you chat to God?
lots of love from susan in australia

Being led by the Spirit

Dear friend,
So far with my blog I rarely speak about God. God or a Divine power have always been very central in my life. Sometimes more central than others. I have been praying for more peace in my life particularly with time on my own. Over the past 6 years I have been finding it very hard at times to spend time with myself peacefully particularly when I am in a quieter mood and not zippy.
In the past few days i have been led to a greater understanding of God and am finding I am being led by the Spirit (God) in even the smallest details of my life. If I am unsure about something I am asking the Spirit for advice. i am being Spirit led in a greater way than I have in the past.
Do you believe in God or a Higher power? Are you Spirit led?
lots of love from susan in australia

To blog or not

Dear friend,
Going through latest quiet time where I wonder about my blogging and why I do it. I don't usually have things I want to say when I am quiet. I am keeping a journal on my mood swings and trying to work out better ways of dealing with my quiet times. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I just don't do very much. I still keep up with my friends but I don't do any creative work. although that is a lie. I took part in a 30 day creativity challenge and I was creative everyday so that isn't right about not being creative. I'll do some more writing about it.
Do you have quieter and busier times in your life?
lots of love from susan in australia

Blood test

Dear friend,
Just went for a blood test for my thryroid. it reminded me of all the blood tests I've had in the past with lithium and my mental illness. I'm not on lithium now. It didn't work for me and my rapid cycling.
I'm in another flat phase of my cycle. Often don't blog when I am flat. Less ideas to talk about.
lots of love from susan in australia

Not so talkative

Dear friend,
When I was really sick I used to talk a lot. I never realised how talkative I was until my mother told me and other friends also mentioned it. When I came out of hospital i was very quiet and life was very different for me. My mind went much slower on my new medication. Nowadays I still don't talk a lot when i am in my quieter mood. My mum says i get quite chatty in my zippier times.
Do you talk much?
lots of love from susan in australia

Staying at mum's overnight

Dear friend,
Once a month now I stay at my mum's overnight. She is 81 and loves my visits. I go for meals three nights a week as well. We have been through some very bad times with my mental illness. Now that I am stabilised we are building a lovely close relationship. I was up early and did journaling and read and then I climbed into mum's bed and we lay there chatting for an hour. We got up and had breakfast together and then spent the morning together. I went for a walk. Mum can't walk far anymore which is a shame but she is managing. We had a lovely lunch and then spent the afternoon together. I had to lie down for part of it but mum is used to my fatigue and is always supportive.
Do you see your parents often? What sort of relationship do you have?
lots of love from susan in australia

Problem solving

Dear friend,
I often get problems I can't solve immediately. i write them down and journal about them. I also look out for information about the problem from friends, family, the internet and books. I usually find the answers appear. Sometimes I have to try things out and they don't work the first time and I have to try something else.
How do you solve your problems? Do you journal? Who'd advice do you seek?
lots of love from susan in australia

Gratitude

Dear friend,
I keep a gratitude journal and every night I write down 5 things that I am grateful for in the day. It helps me to see my day and my life in an appreciative and loving way. I am always amazed at how small some of my gratitudes are. It may be a bird flapping in my birdbath or a strangers smile.
Are you grateful for things in your life? Do you have a gratitude journal?
lots of love from susan in australia

Miracles and mental illness

Dear friend,
I have just been reading about miracles. My major miracle is no longer suffering from depression. It's been six years now. I am so grateful.
Have you had miracles in your life? Do you believe in miracles?
lots of love from susan in australia

Family and mental illness

Dear friend,
I was with my small family on the weekend...my brother, sister in law and mum. There are also two nephews and that's it. Very small indeed. No extended family that I see except a cousin I email.
My family found it very hard to accept I had a mental illness. When I went into hospital all that changed and they were suddenly really supportive and caring. I was also shocked into realising how bad I had become. I have been on medication and seeing my psychiatrist regularly ever since.
Are your family supportive? Do you have a small or big family?
Lots of love from susan in australia

Reincarnation

Dear friend,
I have always had feelings that I have lived here on earth before this life particularly when I have been traveling. I have also felt that i have met certain friends and people before and lived another lifetime with them. Yesterday I decided I believe in reincarnation. Because of my mental illness I never wanted to think of living another life full of suffering. Now I realise life can be a great experience and I'd like to give a few more a go.
Do you believe in reincarnation? What lives have you led?
lots of love from susan in australia

Change

Dear friend,
I've just been reading how life is ever changing. I've been thinking about all the changes in my life from being seriously ill with mental illness particularly the mania and depression to being a lot more stable nowadays.
What sorts of changes have you had in your life? How have you coped?
lots of love from susan in australia
PS I went and stayed at a motel overnight and had a tremendous time shopping, reading, writing, even a bubble bath.

life's purpose

Dear friend,
The metaphysics course that I am doing raised the idea that nothing in life happens by chance, that everything happens for a reason. I tend to believe that. I like to think there is a divine power that leads me through the lessons I have to learn. I like to believe that people come into my life to teach me things and that experiences happen to me for the same reason. I like to believe there is some higher purpose to my life and to life in general.
Do you believe life is random or that there is a purpose and meaning to it?
lots of love from susan in australia
PS I am off on another overnight stay on my own. Another little adventure. Hopefully they will become bigger adventures. Do you go on adventures? Big and small?

Aloneness

Dear friend,
Today I received the books for my correspondence course which will take the next 8 weeks. I am so excited but also apprehensive at how I will go. The course is on spirituality.
I have set my goal for the course as .....living more confidently with my aloneness. Although I am single and live alone and spend a lot of time alone I get quite anxious at times with my aloneness. I have so many things I can do but mostly I need to be able to live with myself. The major challenge is living with my changing moods particularly the quiet times when I am less busy.
I will share my journey.
Today I learnt that I am mostly a spiritual being learning to be more at peace with myself.
the principles in the first session were...
1. I am a spiritual being
2. To be fully human is to be divine, and to be divine is to be fully human
3. Aloneness is a virtue, loneliness is a disease
4. There is an ego and a real self within me. I have an earthly identity and a spiritual identity.
lots of love from susan in australia

the movies

Dear friend, When I first started this blog I was trying to learn how to cope with new places. I found it really hard going to the movies and being in the crowds and parking at the busy shopping mall. I went to the movies yesterday and I was just fine. I was thinking how far I have come with my confidence. i have become quite used to going to the movies. I hope I get used to traveling as well. i have a way to go. With my last motel visit I had to rest for 2 hours at the motel and the next day and a half I had to rest but I managed it. Maybe that is all I will ever be able to do is stay overnight somewhere. That is an achievement and a break away. i am grateful and who knows maybe I will get better.
Do you have improvements happening in your life?
lots of love from susan in australia

cancel psychiatrist

I am going through my latest quiet time when I get flat and unmotivated. I've cancelled going to my writers class today which is unusual. I want to cancel going to psychiatrist tomorrow. It's so tiresome going and saying the same old things and knowing nothing can be done. Sorry for complaining today. Just thinking while I'm writing. I suppose I need to see the psychiatrist when I am like this. I have been going on an up for the last few visits. Yes I'd better go and my mum kindly comes with me to help motivate me.
Do you ever skip seeing the doctor when you know you should go?
lots of love from susan in australia

Overwhelmed

dear friend,
It's that time on my rapid cycling where i feel tired and overwhelmed by what has to be done. The house is messy from all the creating i did during my last zippy phase. The housework needs doing but I am too tired to do it. I am waiting for a tradesman to phone me about the roller door that isn't working. Not sure how to progress with today.
Do you ever get overwhelmed by what has to be done? How do you cope?
lots of love from susan in australia

Overnight stay

Been away overnight at a motel with my mum. We had a great time and stayed in a motel in the town where my brother lives so we visited him for tea and watched TV. I find going away overnight very challenging with my chronic fatigue syndrome and my mental illness as I get very fatigued and overwhelmed by the new places. I had to lie down in the afternoon after a luncheon my mum and i went to. I also had to rest in bed in the morning. I still had a good time and I am glad we went. It is 35 degrees centigrade which is hot.
lots of love from susan in australia

Lonely

Felt quite lonely yesterday. I went to two art galleries and came home and did some writing. I went for a walk. i did some washing. I have been like this before and wrote down things to do and paced myself through the day. i decided not to go to my mums which i often do when I am lonely. I have spent so much of my life alone. I guess some of us never get used to it. I haven't after 53 years.
Do you get lonely?
lots of love from susan in australia

lonely

Between quiet and zippy

I definitely have zippy fast thinking times and then I have quiet time when I can barely think at all. Very slow and unproductive. Having studied my moods I realise there is a time between them when I am mellow and cruisy and doing things but neither zippy nor quiet. These times are particularly relaxing and pleasant and easy to live with.
Do you have a lot of different moods?
lots of love from susan in australia

Very public

Dear friend,
I am very public about my mental illness. I usually mention it to new people in my life quite early on and I am public on line. I never know who's life I will touch by sharing openly. I have had a lot of people talking to me about their mental illness because i have been so open. I understand people being private though.
Are you a private or public person?
lots of love from susan in australia

emailing

Dear friend,
I do a lot of emailing each morning to friends and to people on web groups. I just love it and am so inspired by people's love and support. I got lots of encouragement for my 30 day challenge today.
Off i go to do a lot of emails. Hope to hear from you some day soon.
lots of love from susan in australia

Creativity challenge

I'm doing a challenge of being creative every day for 30 days. It is part of a web group I belong to on creativity. I am amazed with how creative I am each day. I like to do lots of different things like knitting, crochet, beading, wall hangings, sewing, painting, gardening, cooking, stamps, etc. I also do a lot of reading on creative things. I am really impressed. I will keep noting down what i am doing each day creatively to keep me in touch with it. I have been zippy for about 10 days so that has helped a lot. I will be interested to see what I do in my quiet phase.
Are you a creative person?
lots of love from susan in australia

A bit tired yesterday

I've been zippy for more than 10 days and getting up at 4.30 - 6 am in the morning and doing my activities. I have gotten a lot done and enjoyed myself. Yesterday i was tired and had to lie down for a couple of hours to rest. This morning I was back into 10.30 get up. Still lots of ideas on my mind so still a bit zippy.
How are your moods? Do you often get tired?
lots of love from susan in australia

Zippy

Still zippy and got up at 5 am. I have creative projects all over the house. Not sure what will happen when I go into my quiet time. I still can't remember what I do when I am quiet except crosswords at mums. How strange not to remember. I am now going to keep a journal about it assuming the quiet aspect remembers to journal. I am keeping a log of my creative activities for a 30 day challenge i am doing for a creative group. I will be in quiet mode for some of it. Interesting times indeed.
Do you have zippy and quiet time?
lots of love from susan in australia

Been to mum's overnight

I stayed at mum's for 2 weeks while I had my unit painted. As we enjoyed ourselves so much I said i would come over once a month to have a sleep over. We had a great time last night, this morning and today. it was lovely having her company and doing lots of talking and sharing the space.
Do you see your mum often?
lots of love from susan in Australia

Creativity

I'm doing a 30 day challenge about the creative things I am doing in each day. I have to report in to the site and write down what I have done. I am in zippy mode at the moment so I am doing so much in a day. i am often up at 4.30 am and going to bed at 12 midnight so lots of creativity in a day. It will be interesting to see what I do when I go quiet. it will be interesting to see if I blog as well. Time will tell. I never know what to write about when i am in my quiet cycle.
lots of love from susan in australia

Inner child

I made these paper dolls to celebrate my inner child and adult. I do a lot of inner child work and am always inviting my inner child to come out to play.
Do you play with your inner child often?
lots of love from susan in australia

Bible reading

Dear friend,

Been reading the bible with friend but haven't enjoyed jumping all over the place which she says. Discovered Hazel's bible yesterday along with how to read the bible from my last minister. I prayed about how to continue and synchronicity keeps coming up to read Romans. Don't know why this is important but I will read it. I will read commentary's as well.
Do you read the bible?
lots of love from susan in australia

My other blog

Dear friend
Today's highlight is resuming my old blog A prayerful life. I used to keep a record of my drawings on it but I don't have to do that I can record all my artistic endeavours. I don't know why I didn't think of it before. it will be a great reminder of my journey. I'll just do recent things at the moment and then add as I go along.
I was up again at 4.30 so another zippy day. Yesterday went well being up at 4.30 and didn't need a snooze and got lots achieved.
I've just started reading a fabulous book about intuitive healing. My counsellor Dale is an intuitive healer. he is awesome. i will be seeing him tomorrow.
What healers do you have in your life? Counselors, doctors, dentists, masseuses, etc?
lots of love from susan in australia

Healing with the moon

Dear friend,
I am a great believer in astrology and love the transit of the moon. I have read a lot about the healing nature of the moon and am trying to get myself into the practice of celebrating the new moon and the full moon. I have an oil burner and candles and flowers on an altar to celebrate. I have a book of celebration ceremonies.
Each day I hope to notice the star sign the moon is in and do some healing and celebrating of that sign.
Today is Capricorn. Hard working, ambitious, responsible, serious, respectful, committed, controlling, dutiful, tough and lusty. Capricorn is my ascendant and present in me a lot.
I am doing a felted piece of artwork for each star sign and work on them when i am in the mood.
Do you celebrate the lunar cycle?
Lots of love from Susan in Australia

Photography

Dear friend,
How are you today? Here I am again this morning. It is zippy time at the moment so up early.
When I got the digital camera I was in quiet mode so couldn't see why i got one and didn't know how to use it and felt despondent. Now I am in zippy mode my mind is flooded with ideas of what to take. Yesterday i did photos of the inside of my friends house. I spend so much time at the houses of my friends I thought i would celebrate by taking photos. Today i am headed for the local cemetery. I am going by train to practise my phobia of using public transport and traveling from home.
Another big achievement was going to Richmond ( a suburb about 40 minutes away) with my friend and going to a shop for us big women. I had to come home and rest for 2 hours after I did it but I did it and was so thrilled. I still find going out of my comfort zone very challenging. I am trying to do them as Artists dates which is part of Julia Cameron's books...example The artist's way.
That's it for this morning.
I was telling my friend all about my blog and she didn't know what a blog was!!
See you tomorrow.
Lots of love from susan in australia
PS Sometimes i wish you weren't a lurker and so quiet but I understand your shyness more than you know
PPS my novel with Sara Jane is going to be a book of letters

Lots to do

I had a fascinating dream last night that showed me that I have a lot of creativity going on in my life. i have so many things I can do with my art, needlecrafts, painting, writing, artists journals, painting, gardening and cooking. This weekend i have 2 days at home to do whatever I please along with a bit of housework. i am seeing friends in the evening which is a nice focus for the day. I am a bit zippy at the moment so achieving a lot. I also can remember quiet times when everything is put aside and I just reflect.
Do you have a busy or quiet life?
Lots of love from susan in australia

Different selves

I am well aware of my quiet self and zippy self when my moods change. I had to do an exercise for a Julia Cameron book and she said to write about your different selves. I realise I have part of me that wants to travel and go places but I also have a part of me that likes to stay home and not go very far. The homebody is winning most of the time. I am trying to develop my traveling part by going away overnight once a month and going on train trips and other outings. It will be a long time before I can travel far. I have mentioned before that I have huge confidence problems with traveling to strange places.
Do you have different selves? Are they in conflict?
lots of love from susan in australia

Friends come and go

When I was very ill with mental illness I made and lost a lot of friends because I was so unpredictable and unreliable. It is interesting nowadays that i am more even in my behaviour and moods that friends still come and go. My most disappointing loss was another friend who has bipolar. She would get very sick every 18 months or so and ended up in hospital each time. I found these times deeply disturbing and finally had to tell her I couldn't be her friend anymore as it was affecting my own recovery. She would often mention not taking her medication and getting up to other mischief which I found enticing. I was thinking of her today on my beach walk and I miss her a lot. There were so many great qualities about her. It is another price I pay for my mental illness. Losing friends I realise happens to everyone so I am learning to go with the flow. I am grateful for the friends I do have.
Do friends come and go in your life?
lots of love from susan in australia

Supporting friends

I was just talking to a friend who is needing love and support. I was telling her she was on my mind over the past few days and I was wanting to contact her but didn't want to be a bother. Having a history of mania I have often been a bother to people by contacting them too much in my enthusiasm and being manic. Nowadays I am overly cautious and often don't contact people when I could.
Are you confident in your relationships with friends?
lots of love from susan in australia
PS Rosemary gave me confidence to get out and take some photos. I have been busy taking some. Still need to get used to the view finder. Not as clear as on a film camera

Music in your life

For homework for my writers group we had to write about music in our life. I don't play music very often. I love the peace and quiet. Thinking about music in my life makes me sad. i miss it. I need to do some more writing as to why i don't play it very often. I think it has something to do with the fact that I often played music when i was manic and got myself into all sorts of trouble. I need to detach music from these memories and build some new ones and get music back into my life.
Do you play music often? What sorts?
lots of love from susan in australia

New camera

I bought a new camera when I was in my last zippy up and had great ideas of places to go to take photos. Now I'm in my low time i don't know why I have got it. I've just charged the battery and haven't a clue how to use it. The guide book is huge. Will I wait to see my friend to help or do it on my own. I doubt I can follow instructions now as i am so low in energy. I'd love to have one of those blogs full of lovely photos. I would if I had the energy. There was zippy time last year when I did daily blogging and added photos. I hope when I am in my next up that i can tell you i am taking photos.
Do you have a digital camera?
lots of love from susan in australia
PS Sorry I'm in such a mope

In a slump

I am in a low time again. It happens month in and month out. A few up and zippy days and then days of low energy and feeling despondent. My mind goes slowly and I don't feel inspired to do things. I get concerned about the things i have planned on my zippy time. i try to be gentle in my quiet times. I try to be positive. I still do my emails and keep up my visiting and activities so i am not so bad. I'm not depressed like I used to be years ago. That was really hell.
Do you have mood changes?
lots of love from susan in australia

My home and mental illness

When I became really ill with mental illness i realised i could no longer look after my large house and garden and decided to move into a smaller unit (house) in a suburb near the beach. It only has a small garden to look after. I am sad about leaving my old garden as it was large and rambling and all the windows of the house looked out onto it. Life is much more manageable here where i am though. I live closer to my mum and to friends which is good.
Have you had to move because of illness?
lots of love from susan in australia

For others

Today I am tired and would like to stay home and rest but.....my mum and I belong to the Embroiderers Guild and they have a lecture on today about fans and my mum would like to go. I do the driving and I don't want to disappoint her by not going so pray for me that I find some energy.
Do you do things for other people?
lots of love from susan in australia

One day at a time

One lesson I learn over and over is to take one day at a time. I am always looking at the week ahead or the month ahead and getting overwhelmed. Yesterday I was doing it and just getting so stressed. I forget to just stay in the day and go from one activity to the other gently and mindfully.
Do you stay in the day or do you race ahead?
lots of love from susan in australia

tiredness and mental illness

I find my mental illness makes me very tired. It seems to take a lot of energy to mentally process things. When there is a lot going on in my life i get tired of the thoughts that I need to make to sort things out. As you know I often sleep 12 hours a day and a lot of this is because of the mental fatigue. I have never been diagnosed but I think I have Chronic fatigue syndrome. I used to suffer bad migraines and sore joints and many other symptoms of CFS. The symptoms have improved except for the fatigue and sleeping.
Do you suffer from fatigue?
lots of love from susan in australia

Time

I don't have enough time to do everything I want to do so I have been spending small amounts of time doing what i love and enjoy. Mornings now are some writing, dance, gardening, artwork and meditation before doing my emailing and interneting. I see my friends on a regular basis and take my knitting and do it while we chat and catch up. I have a monthly massage and see a counsellor. I see my psychiatrist regularly. I do daily walks and visit my mum 3 times a week. I am going away overnight each month and do other appointments as the needs arise.
i am hoping to find more time for my art work which I enjoy but time is limited with everything else I do. i also belong to a few groups like gardening and embroiderers guild
what do you do with your time?
lots of love from susan in australia

Joy and mental illness

Having suffered depression for so many years and attempting suicide a few times I never imagined that life could be joyous and happy most of the time. Since coming out of psych hospital my life has just gotten better and better. Most of my days are joyous and full of friendship and creativity, adventure and discovery. Of course I still have my problems some to work on and some to accept unsolved but mostly I am joyous.
I wish I could tell more people with mental illness to never give up hope. You never know what changes are in store.
Do you have a lot of joy in your life?
Lots of love from susan in australia

New car

Here's me and my new car. i am so thrilled. Now that I am planning to travel overnight once a month for awhile and then hopefully farther afield it is great to have a new car. I am so blessed. I saved hard. Having mental illness I have often spent money unwisely so I am glad I am much better now and can be relied on to save.
Are you a good saver or a spender?

5th October 2008 happy birthday to me

Happy birthday to me. I love, love, love birthdays. I love all the attention and fuss. I love the cards, presents, emails and best wishes and all the surprises. Birthdays also make everyone else happy and joyous too. I got a new cherry red hatchback for my birthday this year so super special birthday. I also got a monk statue for my garden which is a lovely blessing for my garden. i am trying to do more gardening and monk will entice me out. I can see him from my library window.
Off to visit some of my friends to celebrate. I also went away overnight which is another huge achievement as traveling away from home is very difficult for me. I notice each time I do it i am getting better.
Must go.
Lots of love from susan in australia

Flood of ideas

Often when I am a bit manic or a lot I get a flood of ideas. I want to start lots of different activities, I want to make lots of phone calls and emails and I get quite overwhelmed. In recent years I have used a notebook and journals to note down my ideas and to keep track of what I am trying to achieve in the day. I find it helpful to sort things out on paper and to choose what to do next.
How do you deal with busy times when you have too many ideas?
lots of love from susan in australia

Money and mental illness

I am picking up my new cherry red Toyota Corolla hatchback today. I'll then take my friend for a spin down the beach. I am so, so glad to be getting it as i never imagined I could afford it being on a pension. It is a real challenge going from a full paying job onto a pension. When I was really sick I didn't manage my money well and often thought I was a lot wealthier than i was and would buy foolish things. I am so glad that I haven't been as mentally ill as some people. i have never got myself into serious trouble with money and have always met my financial commitments and paid my bills on time. I think my guardian angel must have been looking after me all these years.
Do you have financial problems? I'll put you in my prayers for some resolutions to them if you do.
lots of love from susan in australai

My dad

I went to my counsellor yesterday and we talked about my dad. It was really great to be able to finally accept that he is at peace. He died 18 years ago and I have always regretted not being able to know him since I have been well on my medication. He has only ever known me as very, very mentally ill. I believe people are in our lives to learn various lessons and I finally accept that dad and I shared our lessons. He didn't need to stick around for my getting well. I can now look at the picture of him beside my bed and be at peace about our relationship. I finally have no regrets.
Do you have anyone that has died where you still have regrets?
Lots of love from susan in australia

Tears

I have cried so many tears in my life through the dreadful years of depression and threats and suicide attempts. In the past 6 years since I was last in the psych hospital I haven't cried much at all. Tears are associated with such pain and anguish. I want to be able to cry particularly tears of joy. Today I was brought to tears by friends I email. It was wonderful to feel the sense of tears coming and then to let them happen. Tears of joy and also sad tears at the thought of the death of my beloved cat Sooty. Tears are such a blessing. Sad tears and happy tears. I read somewhere that happy tears are chemically different from sad tears. Don't know if it is true but it sounds good.
lots of love from susan in australia

Choices

A dear friend of mine has to make an important choice between 2 job opportunities. It is a huge decision with lots of repercussions. When I have important choices to make I always journal about it writing everything I think about it down. I pray continuously for God's guidance and direction and then I listen in my heart for where God wants me to go. I try to get out of my head because that gets too confusing and argumentative. I try and get my intuition going so I can sense the decision I have to make.
How do you make decisions in your life?
lots of love from susan in australia

Self acceptance

I have been having some huge lessons this week about my self esteem and self acceptance. I find it really hard to accept that I am a complicated, messy, chaotic person. I'd like to be simple, serene, orderly, calm but I'm not most of the time. I am realising life is a whole lot better when I accept who i am and love myself. I don't know how much of my mess and chaos is because of my mental illness and how much is my personality. Does it matter.
One thing I don't do is accept that I have a mental illness. How do I do that? How do I accept that I have a mental illness that affects the way I think.
See you tomorrow
Lots of love from susan in australia
PS I have discovered my personal style of art....yes you guessed it ...it is complicated, messy and chaotic....that's part of me not all of me.

Facts not feelings

I relearn this lesson on a regular basis. Having a mental illness that is so linked with my up and down moods I tend to focus on what and how I am feeling at any particular time. Moods and feelings can be so changeable and impressions differ depending on how you look at them. I am learning to look at the facts of a situation rather than the feelings to get a more accurate impression. I might be feeling really anxious and fearful about something and am convinced i am doing a really bad job when in fact I am doing really well.
Lots of love from susan in australia

Despondent

So much of what I do is connected to how I am feeling. If I am up and high life is fantastic and full of inspiration. When I am a bit flat like today I am despondent and lack inspiration. I want to learn how to appreciate life more regardless of my moods and feelings. I keep a gratitude journal that I write in every night but I don't fully appreciate all that I am grateful for.
Lots of love from susan in australia

I'm back

Haven't been here since December. I couldn't see the point if I'm the only one reading it. Today though I got a comment from a lady who has just been diagnosed with bipolar at 50. She was pleased to read my blog. I was just rereading some of my entries and could easily see my highs and lows.
I am feeling quite despondent at the moment although I have had a month of fantastic achievements. I went away overnight again and had a great time, I visited an artists retreat in a challenging part of the countryside and I also challenged my phobia of going to busy shopping malls. I took myself to 3 movies which is another great breakthrough. I visited a friend who is back from a one month holiday away. I suddenly felt pathetic with my achievements. Yep, I've done it again. I've compared myself to other people. Compare and despair!!!! It doesn't help me at all. I always feel so bad with what I have achieved in my life because I always look at someone who is doing much better than me. I never say how would that person cope with being in my circumstances.
I honestly try to do the best I can but it so often doesn't seem to be enough.
I will talk to my psychiatrist and counsellor. They both think I am doing really well. I wish I could feel the same.
Why do I feel so despondent. I am heading off to buy a new car. Surely that is a good thing. Silly Susan.
lots of love from susan in australia