Hope

Dear friends....I know there are a few of you out there so this is for you as well as me!!!!

It's 2.30 in the morning and my mind is going all over the place. Regular readers will know about my chronic sleeping problems. I went to the Sleep clinic and the doctor asked me lots of questions and said I would have to come in to the clinic overnight to be tested for organic problems. I freaked out saying I didn't want to do that unless absolutely necessary. I would be up all night on adrenalin and anxiety. The doctor then suggested seeing the sleep psychologist in 2 months time. Only problem is that I have hit the wall in terms of wanting to do something about my sleeping problem now and not in another 2 months. I came home and looked up lots more about bipolar and sleep disorders and a lot of the articles suggest getting a good routine with sleeping. I read an article about a guy who suggests going to bed when you are tired and getting up at the same time each morning and hopefully getting tired at a similar time each night as a result of getting up early in the morning. I honestly have never tried in the past 10 years forcing myself to get up at say 8.30 every morning and going to bed when I'm tired at night. I usually go to bed around 11 - 11.30 and lie awake for as long as it takes to fall asleep. Last night it took 3 hours. I realise being on the computer isn't a good idea. Most articles recommend reading until you get tired and preferably not reading in bed.
I know how hard it is to wake up in the morning unless I just let myself wake up naturally. I have shifted the alarm to the other side of the room. I will drink some water when I awake and come into the study to write my blog and do emails. I already know it will be hell to do......absolute hell. It reminds me of the days going to work and having to get up. I just want to give it one more try for at least 2 months until I go to the sleep psychologist. I want to see if it is possible to change my sleep habits and get it more regular. I have a strong suspicion that the sleep problem is strongly linked to my moods and that it will be as impossible to change my sleeping patterns as it is to change my moods. There is no way I can make myself be upbeat and manic or down and depressed by my will power. It is mostly out of my control and I can make small changes but mostly my moods have a will of their own. I went to work for 20 years and mostly got up with the alarm and managed. In the final years before losing my job my sleeping got worse and worse and I had to ring work and say I couldn't go in because I just couldn't get awake and stay awake. Once I left work I was sleeping up to 20 hours a day and my sleeping went totally out of control. Over the past 10 years I have slowly gained some control where I am able to be awake in the afternoons and evenings most days. Mornings are the problem and nights like tonight when I can't sleep because I'm too speedy and I have slept too long in the mornings.
I wish I could read more about other mates who have bipolar but I only get to see a small amount of writing from them. It's like me here now not many people are going to read this or find it useful. It's a shame because there would be so many of my bipolar mates going through exactly what I am tonight. Some will be even worse because they have to try and go to work in the morning or they are in a full blown manic phase. I haven't been really manic for a long time now and that is a blessing.
I'll try and go to sleep now. I'll write again in the morning. Instead of doing my journal writing in the morning I'll do this blog instead. I'm aiming to write tomorrow and I'd love to say I'll write each day for the next 2 months to keep me motivated but I am not feeling so positive. Cutting my hours of sleep back to 8-9 hours when I can sleep 9 - 15 is asking for trouble. I just want to give it a go then at least I know I gave it my best shot.
Lots of love from Susan in Australia