Tuesday, June 19, 2007
I want to delete this blog and not do it anymore because once again I've gone from good times and achievements back into being overwhelmed and confused. I like the blog when I feel I am making improvements but when the troubled times come I don't like the blog. My mood is still quite positive but I'm back into sleeping up to 15 hours a day and mentally being unable to sequence my thoughts. A lot of people would say no big deal and it is a fair comment. In my head though it feels like life is out of control. When I get like this I leave lots of tasks uncompleted and so the house becomes quite messy and chaotic. I can see that I need to tidy up and have learnt that I need to do one small task at a time but knowing it and doing it are two different things. If i start one task I get convinced I should be doing something else and it is hard to stay focussed on what I am doing. In the old days I use to refer to these times as being in the eye of a storm as in a cyclone where the centre is really calm and the surroundings are out of control. i feel strangely calm but also distressed......who could figure that out.
I have had to cancel a few activities with friends and the groups I belong to. I get disappointed at doing this but know this is the ebb and flow of my mental illness. I am hoping that the sleep clinic can sort something out with my sleeping and hopefully improve some of my mental problems.
I had to go to the dentist for a check up and clean and I was hyper sensitive as usual but even worse today because of how I am feeling. I found all the instruments and noise very distressing and the dentist had to give up and do the cleaning by hand. I try to behave myself but I get very distressed. he is a very good dentist and is always supportive and encouraging to me.
time to write a list of tasks to do and see if I can do a few of them from start to finish.
My heart goes out to those who have mental illness particularly those who can't manage to run their own home and are homeless. i am forever grateful that I can keep bill paying and most of my life skills up and running. I have to remind myself that I cope very well and that my misperceptions are because of my mental illness. I am not out of control even though my mind is telling me I am!!!
Mum is cooking tea tonight and I am grateful for all the meals she cooks for me. It really helps for times like now.
I am glad I have this silly little blog to chat on. In some strange way it helps and it helps even more when someone who reads it says it helps them,
Lots of love from Susan in Australia