Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Challenging time

I want to delete this blog and not do it anymore because once again I've gone from good times and achievements back into being overwhelmed and confused. I like the blog when I feel I am making improvements but when the troubled times come I don't like the blog. My mood is still quite positive but I'm back into sleeping up to 15 hours a day and mentally being unable to sequence my thoughts. A lot of people would say no big deal and it is a fair comment. In my head though it feels like life is out of control. When I get like this I leave lots of tasks uncompleted and so the house becomes quite messy and chaotic. I can see that I need to tidy up and have learnt that I need to do one small task at a time but knowing it and doing it are two different things. If i start one task I get convinced I should be doing something else and it is hard to stay focussed on what I am doing. In the old days I use to refer to these times as being in the eye of a storm as in a cyclone where the centre is really calm and the surroundings are out of control. i feel strangely calm but also distressed......who could figure that out.
I have had to cancel a few activities with friends and the groups I belong to. I get disappointed at doing this but know this is the ebb and flow of my mental illness. I am hoping that the sleep clinic can sort something out with my sleeping and hopefully improve some of my mental problems.
I had to go to the dentist for a check up and clean and I was hyper sensitive as usual but even worse today because of how I am feeling. I found all the instruments and noise very distressing and the dentist had to give up and do the cleaning by hand. I try to behave myself but I get very distressed. he is a very good dentist and is always supportive and encouraging to me.
time to write a list of tasks to do and see if I can do a few of them from start to finish.
My heart goes out to those who have mental illness particularly those who can't manage to run their own home and are homeless. i am forever grateful that I can keep bill paying and most of my life skills up and running. I have to remind myself that I cope very well and that my misperceptions are because of my mental illness. I am not out of control even though my mind is telling me I am!!!
Mum is cooking tea tonight and I am grateful for all the meals she cooks for me. It really helps for times like now.
I am glad I have this silly little blog to chat on. In some strange way it helps and it helps even more when someone who reads it says it helps them,
Lots of love from Susan in Australia


MEtoo said...

Don't give the blog up....just reading posts like today's helps others know they are not alone in their struggles.
I understand what you mean about the dentist -I have come home in tears because of all that overstimulation.
be gentle with yourself

Natalie Ford said...

My blog, although not very public these days - mainly restricted to a select few livejournal readers - is my release. As you just have, I can write it all down and let it go, sometimes even getting helpful feedback from my readers. I hope that LiveJournal never closes down because I am not sure what I would do without it.

I hope that my comment, whilst more about me, helps you realise how important blogging can be and that you do not delete it.

On a more selfish note, I would mss your posts and artwork!

Sandy said...


Thank you for post. My daughter suffers from a mental illness and you have just articulated several of her symptoms. I find your reference to the cyclone particularly insightful. Don't stop using your blog - it is more helpful than you realize. My daughter says that journalling helps her tremendously. Hang in there!


Susan Hosken said...

I am so glad I have kept this blog and now it is about gratitudes. I have worked through the mental illness issues a lot here and will continue to in the comments I make here. I am in my next quiet and acknowledged that I feel down and just waited in bed until the wave of readiness has me getting up.
lots of love from susan in australia