Tears

I have cried so many tears in my life through the dreadful years of depression and threats and suicide attempts. In the past 6 years since I was last in the psych hospital I haven't cried much at all. Tears are associated with such pain and anguish. I want to be able to cry particularly tears of joy. Today I was brought to tears by friends I email. It was wonderful to feel the sense of tears coming and then to let them happen. Tears of joy and also sad tears at the thought of the death of my beloved cat Sooty. Tears are such a blessing. Sad tears and happy tears. I read somewhere that happy tears are chemically different from sad tears. Don't know if it is true but it sounds good.
lots of love from susan in australia

Choices

A dear friend of mine has to make an important choice between 2 job opportunities. It is a huge decision with lots of repercussions. When I have important choices to make I always journal about it writing everything I think about it down. I pray continuously for God's guidance and direction and then I listen in my heart for where God wants me to go. I try to get out of my head because that gets too confusing and argumentative. I try and get my intuition going so I can sense the decision I have to make.
How do you make decisions in your life?
lots of love from susan in australia

Self acceptance

I have been having some huge lessons this week about my self esteem and self acceptance. I find it really hard to accept that I am a complicated, messy, chaotic person. I'd like to be simple, serene, orderly, calm but I'm not most of the time. I am realising life is a whole lot better when I accept who i am and love myself. I don't know how much of my mess and chaos is because of my mental illness and how much is my personality. Does it matter.
One thing I don't do is accept that I have a mental illness. How do I do that? How do I accept that I have a mental illness that affects the way I think.
See you tomorrow
Lots of love from susan in australia
PS I have discovered my personal style of art....yes you guessed it ...it is complicated, messy and chaotic....that's part of me not all of me.

Facts not feelings

I relearn this lesson on a regular basis. Having a mental illness that is so linked with my up and down moods I tend to focus on what and how I am feeling at any particular time. Moods and feelings can be so changeable and impressions differ depending on how you look at them. I am learning to look at the facts of a situation rather than the feelings to get a more accurate impression. I might be feeling really anxious and fearful about something and am convinced i am doing a really bad job when in fact I am doing really well.
Lots of love from susan in australia

Despondent

So much of what I do is connected to how I am feeling. If I am up and high life is fantastic and full of inspiration. When I am a bit flat like today I am despondent and lack inspiration. I want to learn how to appreciate life more regardless of my moods and feelings. I keep a gratitude journal that I write in every night but I don't fully appreciate all that I am grateful for.
Lots of love from susan in australia

I'm back

Haven't been here since December. I couldn't see the point if I'm the only one reading it. Today though I got a comment from a lady who has just been diagnosed with bipolar at 50. She was pleased to read my blog. I was just rereading some of my entries and could easily see my highs and lows.
I am feeling quite despondent at the moment although I have had a month of fantastic achievements. I went away overnight again and had a great time, I visited an artists retreat in a challenging part of the countryside and I also challenged my phobia of going to busy shopping malls. I took myself to 3 movies which is another great breakthrough. I visited a friend who is back from a one month holiday away. I suddenly felt pathetic with my achievements. Yep, I've done it again. I've compared myself to other people. Compare and despair!!!! It doesn't help me at all. I always feel so bad with what I have achieved in my life because I always look at someone who is doing much better than me. I never say how would that person cope with being in my circumstances.
I honestly try to do the best I can but it so often doesn't seem to be enough.
I will talk to my psychiatrist and counsellor. They both think I am doing really well. I wish I could feel the same.
Why do I feel so despondent. I am heading off to buy a new car. Surely that is a good thing. Silly Susan.
lots of love from susan in australia