I was realising tonight that it's the confusion created by my mental illness that I find most difficult. Most of my friends and family and my doctor think I am living my life really well whereas I think it is quite chaotic. It isn't chaotic. I wish I could remember that. I get quite frightened by my mind a lot. I keep trying to create predictable routines for a sense of safety but I keep getting things in a muddle.
I belong to a drawing yahoo group Everydaymatters and it is wonderfully supportive. i wish there was a yahoo group for people with mental illness. I want to learn how to manage my life better. I want to be less afraid of myself.
I wanted to change the title of this blog to something to do with mental illness and then I realised New York reminds me of my mental illness...the sheer chaos and complexity of the city reminds me of my mind.
I am so, so grateful that I don't get really sick like a lot of people with mental illness. There is a great deal of calm and peace in my life....there is a lot of sanity.....and for that I am very greatful.
I'm going to come here more often just to chat about my mental illness. I've stopped telling people that this blog exists so it can be just me and my blog.
I want to learn how not to feel alone and scared of what to do. I have many times when I just sit or stay in bed and I can't figure out what I am supposed to do. I can think about reading and art and gardening but I can't bring myself to doing them.
What happens when I get to the end of this screen? Lots of love from Susan in Australia.........I'm just going to keep typing to see what happens. Some people do really long entries on their blogs and I wonder how they do it. I think the screen just keeps going....neato.....
I feel happy ....real happy sitting here typing away at my blog that will sit anonymously out there somewhere.
Yes indeedy I may never get out of Australia but I will olearn how to manage my mental illness better. I slept 15 hours today....15 hours...how ridiculous.....I guess in the scheme of things there are a lot worse things I could have done. I did the washing and the dishes and cleared all my papers and posted something on my blog and visited my mother....yep....I'm doing well....real well......I'll be back again tomorrow....and I don't want to keep a copy of this I jsut want to write into the cosmos. NYNY and the chasotic mind,,,I'm doing just fine.
Lots of love again from Susan in Australia
PS I'll feel somewhat embarassed if someone reads all this nonsense!!!!! I suppose no worse than my simple little blog with salt and pepper shakers on it....how ridiculous...posting salt and pepper shakers and yet there is immense comfort in the simplicity of it.
3 comments:
*hug*
By the way, there are a lot of livejournal communities (their equivalent of yahoo groups) to do with mental illness. I belong to a bunch (scroll to the bottom of this and look at where it says "member of").
Do you mind me asking what your diagnosis is? Email me if this is too public. Or don't if you would rather not say! ;-p
I can't help laughing even though this is a serious subject. The art reminds me of the cone heads in the old Saturday Night Live!
Dear friends,
i am loving rereading my blog and seeing how far I have come with my mental illness. Last night i watched Julie and Julia and it was wonderful to see how someone did with their blog and ended up writing a book.
lots of love from susan in australia
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