Another movie and shop at busy complex

I'm just about to make my second visit to a busy, large shopping complex...twice in the same week. A few days ago I went to see the movie The Queen. The queues weren't so bad and the cinema was small. I still find a lot of people in the cinema daunting but I'm getting used to it. After the movies I took myself around a small section of the shopping centre. I got a map from the information booth and will visit a certain part a bit at a time. It's quite strange because I used to visit this shopping centre a lot when it was smaller about 30 years ago. i didn't have the problems I have today.
I still feel quite silly with all this but I have no other choice if I want to do a bit of traveling and get outside of my comfort zone and familiar surroundings. So off I go. I am going in search of some new music to play in the house. I don't play a lot of music I prefer the quiet but music helps to change one's mood I find.
In small ways I am also making changes to my routine by visiting a new local shopping centre and going to a new class on thinking differently run by University of the Third Age. I think I am doing really well....for today....really well.
Lots of love from Susan in Australia

A very pleasant day

I haven't a clue why my blog feels like I have company as opposed to writing in one of my journals.It feels friendlier.
I've had a pleasant day today. I had a phonecall from a friend, I went to the Embroiderers Guild for a discussion and show and tell time at what people have found in op shops (second hand shops). I then visited a friend for coffee on the way home. I caught up on a lot of lovely warm and encouraging emails and then went to my mum's for tea and to spend the evening. All in all a lovely day.
I keep trying to capture these days to help me through my flatter times. I am extremely grateful for these happier times but I want to get better at my flat times.
I've been keeping a mood diary for the doctor for the new medication I'm on and apart from writing 1-10 for how i feel and feeling even more despondent seeing a whole row of low days I decided to make a little note of something major that I achieved on the low day. I visit friends, I participate in groups, I go to the movies, I pay my bills and keep up with house maintenance. I'm doing really well on those flatter days. It just feels bad. I'm beginning to see the difference between my feelings and my actions. I tend to think if I feel bad that my life is bad and it isn't the case. In the old days I used to stay home and sit and do nothing whereas I have learnt to make the effort regardless of my moods and I am seeing a great difference.
When I feel flatter I don't tend to do my art work or creative things but I am enjoying picking them up again each time I go through a cycle. I am getting better at going with the flow.
I am trying to learn to appreciate the times when I am quieter and am less active and don't achieve much but am being more reflective. I am trying to learn to appreciate these times because there are so many of them. I used to get suicidal in the old days and that doesn't happen anymore so i have come a long way.
Time for bed.
Lots of love from Susan in Australia

Confusion

I was realising tonight that it's the confusion created by my mental illness that I find most difficult. Most of my friends and family and my doctor think I am living my life really well whereas I think it is quite chaotic. It isn't chaotic. I wish I could remember that. I get quite frightened by my mind a lot. I keep trying to create predictable routines for a sense of safety but I keep getting things in a muddle.
I belong to a drawing yahoo group Everydaymatters and it is wonderfully supportive. i wish there was a yahoo group for people with mental illness. I want to learn how to manage my life better. I want to be less afraid of myself.
I wanted to change the title of this blog to something to do with mental illness and then I realised New York reminds me of my mental illness...the sheer chaos and complexity of the city reminds me of my mind.
I am so, so grateful that I don't get really sick like a lot of people with mental illness. There is a great deal of calm and peace in my life....there is a lot of sanity.....and for that I am very greatful.
I'm going to come here more often just to chat about my mental illness. I've stopped telling people that this blog exists so it can be just me and my blog.
I want to learn how not to feel alone and scared of what to do. I have many times when I just sit or stay in bed and I can't figure out what I am supposed to do. I can think about reading and art and gardening but I can't bring myself to doing them.
What happens when I get to the end of this screen? Lots of love from Susan in Australia.........I'm just going to keep typing to see what happens. Some people do really long entries on their blogs and I wonder how they do it. I think the screen just keeps going....neato.....
I feel happy ....real happy sitting here typing away at my blog that will sit anonymously out there somewhere.
Yes indeedy I may never get out of Australia but I will olearn how to manage my mental illness better. I slept 15 hours today....15 hours...how ridiculous.....I guess in the scheme of things there are a lot worse things I could have done. I did the washing and the dishes and cleared all my papers and posted something on my blog and visited my mother....yep....I'm doing well....real well......I'll be back again tomorrow....and I don't want to keep a copy of this I jsut want to write into the cosmos. NYNY and the chasotic mind,,,I'm doing just fine.
Lots of love again from Susan in Australia
PS I'll feel somewhat embarassed if someone reads all this nonsense!!!!! I suppose no worse than my simple little blog with salt and pepper shakers on it....how ridiculous...posting salt and pepper shakers and yet there is immense comfort in the simplicity of it.

How to progress

I'm going through a down time and my medication is being changed for my mental illness. The idea of getting to New York and Europe will take so long it seems silly to have a blog that really isn't going to show much. I am only able to manage a very simple life at present and there isn't a lot to say. I'm still not ready to just delete this blog. Somehow if I delete it it feels like I've given up on my dream. How does one stay motivated for years when the dream may not happen anyway.
At present I am trying to be proud of how much I achieve in managing my simple life. Many people with mental illness are homeless. i work hard to do the things that many people take for granted.
I'll keep this blog going as long as I can manage.
Lots of love from Susan in Australia